Monday’s Scattered thoughts

For today’s Scattered thoughts I want to share with you a conversation I had with God. It was simple, honest and humbling.

At this particular junction in my life I have to say that I am extremely blessed. A beautiful wife that I have been dreaming of since I was 12 (Crazy HUh!), amazing friends (new and old), and a God that knows when to speak and when to be silent.  

I ended it with a open hearted response/monologue:

I heard HIM speak to me today

Or perhaps I was just ready to listen

“All you have come to know about me is only a fraction”

“But I love you, so let that be enough”

Perhaps my understanding of him will never come in full

But I felt the collapse of his arms around me

“Everything that is happening to you now is only just the beginning”

“But I have plans for you, so let that be enough”

Perhaps my understanding of relationship with God has been infiltrated with doubt.

Doubt of His true existence, doubt of my potential, doubt that I could actually live a life worth living. I grew up thinking it was wrong to have these thoughts. To express them would be blasphemy. Yet in the conclusion of my education, I am faced with a whole new set of standards and responsibilities. My fear is not that I will fail, but maybe more that I will portray the same image I received. Ironic that all the lies I was told have imbedded in the deepest of depths of me. Yet I recognize them and still even deeper is the desire to be more of me (whatever that looks like). For now my goal is to pray. Honestly, sincerely, passionately, kicking and screaming. This is good. Father I know you are there. You know my thoughts, you know my heart. Help me consider my potential, to be the type of person who is in you and you are within me. I want people to see you inside of me, I want people to hear you from the way that I live and speak. Not for my glory but for yours. And when I am frustrated or prone to wander, remind me to listen. Remind me that not everything is so concrete, that things pass and fade away. And when I fade away from you, my your grace embrace all the more. I will run and I will cry, but even in my inaccuracies I know that you will always remain. The constant sun the illuminates my core and exposes it for what it really is. Lack of knowing and being known, the inability to be shown, and the awesomeness of a choice.