I admire people who can tell a good story. I feel they have a very real connection between what they want to say and how it comes out. FOr me I force it a little too much. Not so much trying to impress but to use words in a way that invokes something that resonates inside of people.
I’m learning to branch out a little more. In what I read, in how I listen to people and general rhythms I can pick up on. Its still very difficult for me because I feel as though I am finding my voice still.

So what makes a good story teller?
- is it their tone?
- is it the command of language?
- is it the personality charteristics?
- Facial expressions?

So much work but I do not care. Thanks to those of you who have been praying with us in this process.

Mondays Scattered thoughts:

I tend to be a person who has conversations with other people in my head. I’m not crazy! or at least I don’t think I am? It usually occurs when I feel resistance or when I see something is wrong. Yesterday I took a little time to sit back and analyze, why the heck am I doing this? I’ve narrowed it down to this.

1. I hate being confrontational

So much of my upbringing was sheltered and dominated. I was the youngest of 3 and boy did I get it, not to mention the only boy, OUCH! On a more serious note, I saw a lot of fighting growing up and paralleled that with things falling apart.

2. I’m too Sensitive

Something I am learning over and over again, is that not everything that happens is because of me nor do I need to make it about me to rationalize my thoughts. I can tend to want to argue for others whom I feel aren’t being taken care of as they should. Call me the fuel to the fire

3. I lack Courage

Some of you that may know me might tend to disagree. I think we all have our moments when we can clearly stand up and be firm about something. But I think courage can be those times when we just let it go.

I’m still expanding, still growing, still falling down, still conversing in my head. But its gettin better. Always!

Enjoy

And remember, You have rights too! 

but I need someone to walk with me there.

Its hard to connect with people on that type of level.

I need to go on a retreat.

to reconnect myself with purpose.

Solitude scares me.

I need to speak less.

Too much of life is filled with noise (mostly from my own mouth).

Silence and Solitude…. speaks for itself

This last weekend my wife left on a work related trip to New Orleans for the weekend. Now at first I was thinking that I was going to make all these plans to fill my weekend (didn’t happen), then I thought I would enjoy and get some reading done (not so much), then I thought I’d get some exercise in (are you kidding me). So early early early friday morning I take Jami to the Ontario airport, say goodbyes and make my drive back to temecula. This was the worst drive ever. 4 in the morning and there was just nothing driving back. Now Usually I enjoy driving by myself, I find it relaxing. But for some reason my head started to think of all the worst possible scenarios. Thats when I needed a timeout. I got home and just crashed for a few hours before work. Friday was just a drag.

Which now brings me to the real topic. That feeling I got when I was driving back home was the feeling of being alone. I was affraid to be in solitude and most importantly I was affraid to be still in the silence. As I reflected on my weekend of nothingness I began to think about all of the moment I had to enter into God. It was as if I kept telling myself there was more time, later, later, later.  And now the weekend is over.

Silence is frightening because it strips us as nothing else does, throwing us upon the stark realities of our life.”
-Dallas Willard, “The Spirit of the Disciplines”

I have been entangled in this culture. I am addicted to noise!

Solitude teaches us that we do not need other people in the way that we usually think we need them. It teaches us that our value is not determined by our usefulness to others

…..

I am finding out that I need to be more disciplined. I need to enter into something bigger than myself and it starts with my willingness to enter into Silence and Solitude. Despite my fear I recognize the importance of entering into the depths.

In light of the recent series we went through at church, I am challeneged to think about the way I live my life and ultimately what death looks like for me. In the shallowest parts of me I contend that I have no real fear of death. Not to say I know exactly what is going to happen the minute I die. But I do know that I made a choice 7 years ago to choose life. To know and be known.

But my contention is not there.  It is in my deepest of depths.  The wrestling of thoughts, ideals, and ultimate satisfaction. There is a lot of junk down there. Which I suppose brings me to my thoughts on death. Simply, I’m really not okay with death. Perhaps it is that I always parallel it with pain. You don’t really ever hear about the people who went peacefully into the night. Another part of the puzzle is that there still so much I want to do/accomplish/experience. To have limited control on my life is a crazy thought. I can take care of myself; eat right, exercise, be disciplined. (Which I need to do anyway) But there is always some danger lurking.

This weekend message was a little difficult to follow. But at the end, a simple demonstration was asked. Too go lay your hands on a coffin and look at where you will someday lie. A little odd to me at first but when I saw an elderly couple walk up there, thats when it hit me. It rocked me to my core.  That look of inevitability on their face I will never forget. In that moment I reminded what Isaiah said:

Isaiah 40:6-8
A voice says, “Cry out.” And I said, “What shall I cry?” “All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the LORD blows on them. Surely the people are grass. The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever.”

Then this morning I read:

1 John 2:17

“The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.”

Still got a lot of shaping to do around these thoughts.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow:

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream!
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
and things are not what they seem.
Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou art; to dust returnest,

Perceptions have molded me,  well most of me.

They have streched and confined me to be… whatever I felt they wanted me to be.

The problem is not in the changing, but in the end result.

Who am I? Who am I becoming? For whom am I becoming?

Interesting isn’t it? To think you have control but you just give it away

Give it away to your thoughts of what others think.

There are things you cannot control… I don’t care how hard you try

So where do I/we begin?

Simply, with me.

That is where change comes first.

Michael Jackson said it right I suppose.

oh silly man in the mirror! You don’t even know.

….

More to come

enjoy!

BOLD I WOULD BE:

Waking before dawn would be too bold for me.

To experience a full day of what might seem enjoyable.

Yet there is always this unwanted experience that never happens.

I am convinced otherwise, in anticipation for the unexpected;

Bold I would be

It demands so much more than I feel I can offer

It causes one inspire in the most desperate of times

Even if that causes me to expire

Shivers of brisk winds spread the words of my breath

And it dangles above me, flaunting its furrowed brow

Ah yes to be bold indeed would be like reading a book you wrote that hasn’t even been finished yet. The irony of being bold is that most often then not it comes in the most naked of times.

Bold I would continue to be.

Like a child who continues to be bullied for every last cent, and still he freely gives as it is taken from him.

Hail beats furiously upon those who never take cover and never prepare. Hollow are the souls of those who fill their lives with premature pleasures.

Bold I would be

if I could only see past… me

This is really random. I know!