Monday’s Scattered Thoughts!

Speech-less…

Few things move me to silence. A tragic event, an insightful/poignant thought, a mouth full of food. For the past few weeks I have been making more of an effort to be without speech, or speechless. So much of my life is drowned out by words. Not to say that I talk too much or too often, I’ve just recognized some things that deserve note.

• Say what you mean, mean what you say (Integrity/Modesty)

Perhaps the most difficult thing for myself and I would say most people is that in speech we should learn to recognize our intentions. Are we sincere? Was it true? Was it thoughtful? Was it beneficial?

Most of us have learned to respond out of routine, not always bad, right? Well I often catch myself answering a question or comment before it’s even asked/said. So right away I am a bad listener, and yes I am a male but lets not make that connection. So lately I have made more of a concerted effort to listen fully and respond or not respond (more on that to come). I found this applicable to many areas of my life. At work, at home, on the tennis court, out to eat, with friends and most importantly in my daily devotional life.

• More than words (Silence is the best response)

This past weekend I was able to participate and help (very lil, mostly eating) at a youth retreat. My friend was sharing about the song “More than Words” by Extreme and how it was written to a woman about being so in love that it was hard to find the words. The connection that he was trying to make was that often times having no words is the most appropriate response to the love of God. That as God’s spirit moves we are moved/overwhelmed by love/grace/mercy/ and thusly drawn to a speechless state. I loved that illustration. It was simple, I knew that song and best of all the kids we’re able to respond or even better learn not to respond with words.(weird I know)

As we entered into worship I felt God drawing me to my knees and in reverence I took off my shoes, knelt down for I was standing on Holy Ground. I was rendered speechless, no words, no thoughts, no actions just me being still be for my Lord…. enough said.

• Let is rise (sing a new song)

I was moved to silence again while worshiping at Sunday service. I was so preoccupied with singing well or in key that I was loosing focus. So I just stood their listening and  new song sprouted within me. A song of distraction, but a good kind. The one that called me to lay aside my worries, my demands, my lack of trust, my plans, my goals, my vision, and on and on and on. God interrupted me. And… I couldn’t speak.

It’s not about me. Again, Its not about me. God’s inspired a new song in my heart and it shut me up. It was purification at its core.

Have I said too much?

He who does not know how to be silent will not know how to speak. -Ausonius

I had this very real, raw, relevant thought a couple of weeks ago. I need to practice my ABC’s. Weird I know, but the idea came from wondering what the heck God was doing in my life. Let’s be honest, we have all been in this place, some longer than others (You too? cool). From the top

A, B, C… I don’t want this

Ever have one of those life changing moments that you never asked for? The problem between where you are and the place in which you thought you were going becomes a Monet (better from far off)? Wanting clarity, to make sense of the things that just don’t make sense?

I had become so distraught that I gave up and wandered blindly.  Trying to manifest superficial band-aids to the gaping wounds of my being, trying to remedy with my own hands, my own thoughts and even worse my own words. I stopped lifting up my needs, my wants, my pain, my loss. And left nearly bankrupt.

D, E, F… I can’t do this by myself

I remember God breaking me of my hard-heartedness in the bathroom stall at work.  It was ugly, it was embarrassing and yes it smelled.  I submitted or resubmitted my focus in that moment. It hurt like HELL and the wounds were deep but there was a feeling, everything this is going to be ok.

So I began to walk again, His rod and his staff comforted me.  New & Old  friends began to emerge and gave me love, hope & encouragement. I also began to read again, submitting to education/re-education and most importantly FORMATION. My prayer life transformed. A sensitivity to God’s voice and His ever steady hand became a stronghold.

G, H, I…where you at?

A dear friend asked me how my days was, I replied (texted) “ Long day, great day! Had so much abounding joy today. Energy, I’m beginning to get a sense of God’s Fingerprints in this season”. Then I was struck by what I had texted next, “I have to remember to lift up the desires of my heart. That God wants to hear me say them out loud. Like a kid reciting his ABC’s. And at the end clap and say YAY!”

I am submitting to the process. I am submitting it all, my heart and all its pain, joy, needs, wants/desires. And it has saved my life. It is far from perfect or complete. It hurts like HELL everyday but it’s in the Father’s hands now, and I have to give it up everyday. I still want control, I still want it all to myself but I just mess it up. I’m tired of messing it up.

J, K, L…Z to be continued, indefinitely

I wrote this a few years back and it applies just as much today as it did then.

I heard HIM speak to me today

Or perhaps I was just ready to listen

“All you have come to know about me is only a fraction”

“But I love you, so let that be enough”

Perhaps my understanding of him will never come in full

But I felt the collapse of his arms around me

“Everything that is happening to you now is only just the beginning”

“But I have plans for you, so let that be enough”

This is no blog on how to deal with problems that arise nor is it my attempt to have it all figured it out, if anything it shows more about what I do not know. I just want to tell my story, life goes on. Lift it up (all of it), Submit. It will change your life.

Practice your ABC’s, keep it simple. Recite them to your Daddy, ABBA, Father. Clap your hands and say “YAY”!

Monday’s Scattered thoughts: Who knew? I did

Sometimes I get frustrated when I see things happen before they happen. The most frustrating thing is when I bring it up and everyone dismisses it. I often wonder what people think of me in these times.

I think I have a gift, not to become cocky about it but I really do feel I have a gift. I feel I can perceive things that not everyone can. But here is where it gets absolutely frustrating. I can’t see things happening in my own life. Like I am my own barrier. I’m sure its common, most people can’t see past themselves when it comes to themselves. For me I know it’s easier to look away from the mirror. I’m not scared to look in the mirror, I just chose not to.

Back to knowing it all… I can honestly say that in past 5 years since I stopped working for the church I have been bombarded with all that I lack and have yet to attain but at the same time all the training that took place in my college years I have been given this added perspective, this time to flush things out and sift things in. And in this constant adding and purging I have come to the realization that I have a gift. Perception, I value it, it helps to listen, its helps to see and outline. It helps.

Truth is… I don’t know it all but I do know a lot. And I do know I’m passionate about people, seeing people, listening to people, loving people.

Hows that for scattered?

Bands I like – Oh No! Oh My!

I’ve been in love with this band since I found their lil EP ”The Devil and the Sea” at  Second Spin store 3 years back. I was blown away at the playfulness of it, but really their sheer brillance. Perfect summer time music, indie pop it will get you! check out their website: http://www.ohnoohmy.com/

Oh No Oh My – Oh Be One

Oh No Oh My – Wam Bam Thank you Spaceman

Oh No Oh My – The Boy With an Anchor

Monday’s Scattered thoughts – Community

This weekend felt like work. I was tired, I wanted to sit and enjoy my coffee but I had something to do. Yard Sale. More like pawn off my useless crap to others who seem to find use out of crap. The reason I bring this up is because the only time I seem to interact with my neighbors is when I have a yard sale. And no I do not have yard sales often.

As our “Useless Crap Sale” drew to a close my neighbor meandered over to see how everything went and peruse our excess junk. As we made small talk he mentioned that he was going to be having a community party with a jumper for the kids, chik-fil-a, quiznos, hot dogs and the works. As I hesitated to answer yes, I remembered seeing a flyer for this party on my door (which I think is still sitting on the ground by the front door). So I thought to myself I better go to this. be a good neigherbor Pete will be there. (sung like the state farm commercial). So we get rid of our junk and finally get back home from the Goodwill and I’m already thinking of ways to get out of this verbal agreement. But I buckle down like the strong, mature, sincere person I should be and we attend this party.  

I make my way over urging Jami to hurry up so we can get over there and then get out, but then something happened. duh duh duuuuuuuuhhhhh…. I met some great people. I had a good time. and I got to connect with people in way I hadn’t in a long time. And I read a facebook post from my wife “tonight my neighbors reminded me how important community is”. And I just let that sink in… and as I thought about it, I was amazed and the courage and selflessness it took this neighbor to come over and invite me as well as others to his home. And he shared his faith with us, he shared a message (litteraly) about knowing Christ/coming to Christ with us. And I knew immdediately there had been something intrinsically missing. Community! Connectedness.

It’s time to set some roots down.

I missed out on this yesterday.

Tuesday’s Bands I like – Gnarls Barkley

I’ve always been a fan of Cee-Lo, from his days with Goodie Mob (huge role in the Dirty South Movement) to his solo career and even most as a producer. He’s always been a true artist. Now Danger Mouse is just a genius. Multi-intrumentalist that created the Grey Album (which combined acappellas from Jay-Z’s The Black Album with instrumentals from the album the Beatles also known as The White Album).As far as Gnarls Barkley goes, I love everything about their music. They combine rock, soul, hip-hop and everything else and fuse it brillantly. I defintely recommend you give them a listen if you haven’t before.

Gnarls Barkley – Crazy

Gnarls Barkley – Smiley Face

Gnarls Barkley – Who’s Gonna Save my Soul

Gnarls Barkley – Run

Enjoy

I know it’s Wednesday!

Monday’s Scattered thoughts – Long drives bring clarity

I don’t know what it is about driving long distances (1 hr and up) solo that brings clarity to my life. Perhaps it is just that, solitude.  Perhaps there is something to this being alone in a one space for an extended period of time that allows me to focus on well, me and everything that encompasses that. There is a very distinct voice that begins to surface in this place. One that is brutally honest and yet brilliantly brings perspective that I did not recognize in whatever space I was living in.

There are few things I am looking to reclaim in my life at this point and I believe solitude is going to be central to that cause. I’ve often spoken with some of my pastor friends about lifestyle changes and disciplines and finding a balance in an otherwise hectic/demanding life and how they manage it all. Some recognize it, some don’t.

My driving in a way is recognizing it. But most often than not its just that, Recognizing it, nothing follows. So this is my attempt to follow through. It’s not just about me, its about my marriage, it’s about my future kids, it’s about setting a foundation and mine is cracked.

And so it begins another year…. I know I’m a bit late with this post but give me a break.

Here is a list of things I would like to get done in 2010.

- Visit my family more. (El Centro, Phoenix, Yuma and if ever possible Maryland)

I have a strong connection with my family, and with the ever growing family population I sometimes feel I am missing out on their lives and perhaps the other way around. So I want to make it a priority to visit on more than just holidays.

- Start my Master’s Degree.

I haven’t decided yet but we’ll get into that another time.

- Read at least a book a month.

I can do it… just get sidetracked with life and video games.

- Go on another big trip

I want to go to Europe, particualry France or Spain. But I will be fine with another two week road trip.

- Get a new car/newer car

Don’t get me wrong I love rolling deep in our 1999-2000 Corollas, but its time for an upgrade.

- Find a church

Sounds simple huh?! So far not so my friends. I will be starting a new post entitled “A shopping we will go”, which will detail our journey to find a new church home.

- Take piano lessons.

I’ve always wanted to learn. We’ll see about this one.

This is all for now but I’m sure more will be included as I live.

It’s Back…….

Tuesdays: Bands I like : Grizzly Bear

As I am getting older I find my taste in music is growing. I first heard these guys through some Indie air play station in 2006, the song “Knife” of their album Yellow House. I was immediately hooked.  I just found it moving and poetic and just outright lovely. Not always a word I choose to define music but it was a revelation to me. I really hope I get to see them live.

Here are a few of my favorites. Hope you enjoy.

Grizzly Bear- Shift

Grizzly Bear – Easier

Grizzly Bear – Two Weeks

Enjoy!

So I’ve taken quite an extensive break from this blog, this avenue of thoughts typed out wtih cool pictures to connect to. I love the idea of this blog but like it, I too am inconsistent in refreshing its thoughtful pages. So here again I begin.

Monday’s Scattered Thoughts – I’m addicted to movies

To me there is nothing better than a good movie. A story to escape into, a revelation into some lost or taboo human experience, a story with unresolved issues, and better yet a heroic villain.

I”ve always been drawn to film, theater, music. As a child I can remember watching movies at my Grandmother’s house, The Sound of Music, Oklahoma, South Pacific, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. I can remember not having a choice when it came to watching TV with my step-father. Westerns were his favorite, watched just about every Clint Eastwood western made. I also rememeber staying up late with sister watching Elvis Presley movie marathons. I remember the times before I could drive or was in trouble in high school, I would just go rent 3 movies at a time and watch them. I remember it was pretty much the only thing to do in the Imperial Valley (Drive-In was my favorite, for many reasons). I rememeber going to watch Gladiator with my buddies after school one day and chanting “Maximus, Maximus” in the theater. And the list goes on and on.

I think about it sometimes and I could probably recount a part of my life and include a movie for each particular event. I enjoy watching movies in solitary as much as within a community venue. There is just something about films that bring a value to my life.

So to end. Last Five Movies I have watched:

1. Paradise Now

2. The Squid and The Whale

3. In the Company of Men

4. Sherlock Holmes

5. Surrogates